I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
sarcasm needs its own font
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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