When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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