On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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