I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my shit smells like andre
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
