My cat gives me a boner
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
