I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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