why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
