I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
