The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
