Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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