Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hippo gnu deer
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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