how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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