When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
