Already got asked if we're dating
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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