yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
