my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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