Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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