Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?