i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
