I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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