I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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