Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
