You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
