I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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