I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
