I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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