I'm drive I can fine osifer
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize