remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
