there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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