dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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