Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
