the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
