I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
