i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
