at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
