And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
