Ketchup is God's man juice
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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