bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
