I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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