he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
