rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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