oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
