No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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