i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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