god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We just shotgunned beers for America
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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