There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize