she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
