I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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