Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
