I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
