Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
