Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
