My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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