So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
