based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
